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~i feel like ive comitted a great sin against everything i stand for and belive in...i feel like a hypocrite. i bought decemberunderground by afi regarldess of all the times since it was released that i told myself i would never listen. ever. curiosity kept digging at the back of my mind.. so i bought it..ive not listened to it yet but i read 3 lines of lyrics and i started crying.... ive let something deemed wrong by myself affect me in a way that nothing should be allowed to... i feel like ive betrayed myself..~



I guess i am sort of pathetic. playing this game...like a child. playing a game with no rules other than the ones we can think up on te top of our heads... letting such a trivial thing bother me so deeply... letting words, of all things, dig into the depths of things i had hidden... maybe im nieve. maybe i just feel guilty...

Is it because i judged his words on a false acusation? is it because i cant bring myself to admit that those words still shatter my soul and make my eyes go back to the sky that i abhor? Im not sure.


With a bitter realization, i came to see ive no "home" to return to. The sound of a loudspeaker in the background, Flight 8-a. i see the children run into their mothers arms, happy to be home. I run, the ground dissapearing beneath my feet...and i fall. fall forever. Ill take flight 8-a and go back to the place that where no one remembers exactly why it is that words bring you to your knees. ill return to a new place, were tommorow isnt quite as wonderful as the day before it 10 years ago. Why cant i ust go home?


Ill smile and blush as they sweep me off my feet and take me off to the perfection i wrote out so long ago... Ill swallow my pride and break down, ill cry for the lost ones that i created. In my own self taught misery ill lie just to keep my false well written dreams alive. You should see... the faces that i wanted so bad to be next to mine. You should see... how it affects me under my skin.

This is not a candycoated Tragedy i have spawned. This is not a novel written of two beautiful young lovers, who love each other and are parted. this is my life in every form ever imagined. ill die like the falling stars, beautifully and without a second thought.

This isnt a show for all of them to enjoy. And they do.


A face through the vines, the shadows. A sandpaper veil to keep me from understanding what it was that drew the moths to the light.


He will show me as he drowns in the water. Sing with me. The sorrow shown through grey eyes. He will show me as he loses himself in the sapphire blue.

We wont die...i cant die. I said its only so far away tonight.. His eyes light up with something new, something ive not seen before. Fear. My heart raced, the coming of a new virus, within the stars that night a case of vanity spawned a case of something or other that would kill them both. I wont die...i want to die so i can turn the world to grey.

Kaza
Current Mood:
crushed words long forgotten
Current Music:
Id rather not say
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A soft flutter....

no silence in this one im afraid.

~
Unacountable, untraceable.

He couldnt stop smiling, a new type of death he pondered.

could he? was it possible to die from emotion?

his face ached, and felt as if it were going to shatter into a million shards.

a million tiny, happy, smiling, bouncing, ridiculous shards.

He couldnt let it go.... either of the feelings inside of him.

Could it be that after all of the years looking for someone to talk to..

that a simple chance meeting...led to happiness...

~

the soft flutter of moths broke his attention. he was staring intently at a picture, of some Fae or Angel or some other creature of great beauty...

His pale grey eyes turned upwards to the small mass of moths swooping over head, dusting everything with a fine powder.

Trivial.

Despite the beauty of the small creatures over his head, swarming around the lightbulb, his eyes reverted back to the picture. The face of that beauty had him betwitched...he smiled softly. it had only been half an hour or so since they spoke.

His name was Matt...the creature that had him so enthralled... he couldnt place what it was exactly that had him so mesmerized...

Though he didnt see it..the moon was shining brightly into the dank basement room he was in, illuminating the side of his face. a sliver of the light ran over the picture and he couldnt help but wonder, was the moon this beautiful on his skin..would it be when they met?

a few hours passed, the moths having fluttered away after the lightbulb blew and he still sat,eyes caressing over the picture. Was he real? this beautiful boy named Matt? or was it death playing yet another trick on the heartless thing that was so easily broken.

only a new day will tell....and only the boys voice would solace him...
Current Mood:
content Destinies Forged and Forgotten
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Under A Sky So Blue.
We Kill Everything.

Isnt it funny how all of my stories start the same? and end the same? maybe im trying to tell myself something....

~~~~

Silence.
a few raindrops hit here and there. is a normal cold and rainy morning except this one wasnt so normal...not to him.
Her face blank and staring up past his, she spoke softly in a hauntingly peaceful voice,
"A dream...its all.." her words break up slowly, coughing. Vile fluid that caused her nothing but pain. "a dream...."
Like always before he held her hand tightly, lovingly as warm tears fell onto her cheeks. It couldnt happen to him.. not this day,not after the fight- the struggle...it couldnt happen.
But it was.it was the more and more he thought about it, ignoring the birds that were flying by,unkowing that a simple humans existance was dying in his arms.
Her eyes started to close and he picked her up, clinging to her now dying form. Never before had he cried so like a child, never before because he had never thought of her dying on such a peaceful morning.
Her soft pink lips parted tepidly,her words sticking in her throat as she went limp in his arms.
He didnt scream.nor did he cry. He sat there holding the one part of him that was sworn to not die. His expression lacking everything animate.
He sat. and held her. its all he could do in this other wise perfectly normal,cold morning.

10 years later

Another cold and rainy morning. perfectly normal even for him. You see this man died... not 10 minutes before the woman he loved... and even then, in death she never loved him. So he sat, staring out the window of the house that wasnt his anylonger, watching the birds fly through the grey cloudly sky, over the same roof top where he held her as she died. He couldnt help but wonder...if she felt pain now..like he did. if she had the gaping hole in her heart like the one in his.
he knew the answer. the pain he felt was something only he could...
Because after all of the years of loving her she would never know it. 15 seconds to late... those 15 seconds he said, he would give anything for.
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All of these meaningless years, my eyes staring vacantly into the thousands of cold faces in the crowd.
Tommorow means forgetting dreams.
Not until we fall forever
All of the hollow words that meant nothing but...but...what do they mean??
I cant feel anything through this rough sand veil.
I cant follow my dreams until i realize that the night you died marked a new chapter.
A new lie in the multitude of scars already formed.
My heart broken into rough shards...
Tepid release. My Virus.
All of these misery borne mornings, my words cast into the millions of hearts in the crowd.
Tommorow will never come for us.
Not until...not until.
All of my heartfelt words that mean nothing...nothing to anyone but me....
I cant taste your lips through the blood soaked lace
I cant move on until i realize that in solitude, misery i was born... and it is where i shall stay.
An old feeling, a drowning feeling, pulling me down into the water
My heart gone, the wind having blown the dust away
Enshrouding Rapture. My Flawless Virus.

~~~~~

Mabye tommorow wont come...
the fireflies glowing dimly.
Mother..
Father..
Are you happy with me yet?

How can i sing
With your heart wrapped up so tightly
How do i live
With the wounds growing deeper

I hope tommorow doesnt come...
The flowers wilted in my hand.
Mother...
Father...
am i still your horrible mistake?

How do i breathe
With your every word suffocating me
How do i love
With your face still in my dreams.

Ill hold you again soon
In dreams in the snow
Ill love you again soon
Dont forget my name..

~Kazakai
Current Mood:
disappointed Take A Guess
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Silence.
Its quiet here....
well...almost silent.
There are a few crickets and the sound of dead leaves dancing on the grass....
Tts a perfect summer night...stars overhead shining all to dully for my tastes. The wind blew through my hair as i lie on the cool, dewy grass, my grey eyes peering up into the endless nightime canopy.
Where are you?
You promised a life time of fairytale nights like this one... here they are. But you arent here under the beaded sky in my arms anymore.
They told me that there is happiness beyond the tears...and there is.. but you arent there beyond the tears.
I sighed heavily, my eyes shutting on a cold world. Earlier that night i had sat and watched the sunset for the first without you in all these years weve been apart.
Maybe im holding on.
I could feel the moon on my skin, the warm air tugging at my hearts support beams.
Why arent you here?
Its just like before... the first night we met...

'A perfect, starry, far too warm summer night.
Sneaking off holding hands as we passed all the strangers in the crowd, their eyes passing over us like we were a plague.
I still remember the first time you kissed me, sitting on the railroad tracks, my heart racing from sneaking off so horribly.
You leaned over smiling and kissed me softly, your hand touching my cheek softly.
I fell into your arms..and it started to rain. '

'Moments lost in the summer nights, but time remains and i am still proud of what we were.
I cant forget what we claimed as ours. '

My eyes opened again, shifty grey clouds moving over my stars and i felt a light rain on my cheeks.
Just like then.
I felt the warm tears welling up in my eyes and i swallowed hard, remembering it in all too vivid detail.
I fell asleep out there in the grass on that hill in the cemetary, right where we used to lie together.

'I cant believe its been three years....almost four now... 4 long years without you here... since ive felt your skin on mine... since ive peered into your eyes. How have i survived this place without you my love? '

'My beloved..do you know how many times ive stared at clouds thinking that i saw you there?
I wake day after heartbreaking day, only wanting you next to me.'

'4 years. '

'I miss you more than i ever thought i would and my heart is only yours. ever and a day just like we swore. '
Current Location:
The hill in the cemetary
Current Mood:
depressed A Lost Love
Current Music:
VNV Nation- Airships
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ehm...yeah this is Jackyle....i hope no one minds that im writing in Yuki's LJ. anyways.. on with the show

a certain boi brought it back up to my atttention that my past is far from gone. im pretty sure no one is gonna read ths so i guess its ok to write in here.

when i lived in london not too long ago my job to say the least was far from professional.... it was horrid... standing on the corner in the rain, all dressed up hoping some john would be desperate enought o pick me up so i could eat the next day.

a few time guys would pick me up and i wouldnt even get paid... id go to jail for bar fighting after spending what little money i had on alcohol to keep myself something of sane...at least id get fed there.

i dont think i have to say what it is that i did...but i do know that very few of yuo know what its like to sleep in an alley or hell face down in a gutter...not knowing who or what i did just knowing that if i had to wake up to one more day of that shit id blow my head off.

some of the men id meet would give me drugs, to keep me coming back...to make sure i wasnt gonna tell.

needless to say after struggling with the drugs, acohol and random other shit that happened to me i got too tired to fight it anymore.

id been on the streets working as a fucking whore from 15 until i was 21. at that age i quite, gave up and went to a shelter...i signed up for a program that gave young men new homes..and i got sent here. to live with kaza. and he is a sweetheart. but..

even now i struggle with shit... i wake up and im terrified that its not my bed im in, its another gutter or some filthy mans bed... or sometimes my mind wanders and i wonder how ill get food for the day, if ill have to go put on a skirt and fishnets and go to the corner downtown...and then i realize i dont have to anymore..

even though things are amazingly better here i think alot about the life i led there, about the independance and not caring about anything....

ive changed...i guess ive softened a bit from being pamapered here and im not so sure i like me now. i caught myself yesterday thinking about..love. of all things eh? my heart kinda hurts and i dont know why, i mean ive never loved anyone and i doubt i ever will cause no one is gonna love me back...but... i cant help but to ask myself from tim to time if it is love im seeking...i dont know....

hopefully in time ill learn more about life here and not on the streets... maybe il like it after all. who knows

JackyleXX
Current Music:
Gazette
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It's colder than before
The seasons took all they had come for
Now winter dances here
It seems so fitting don't you think?
Dress the ground in white
And grey

It's so quiet I can hear
My thoughts touching every second I spent
Waiting for you
Circumstances affords me
No second chance
To tell you
How much I've missed you

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass
And please don't ask me why I'm here
Something deeper brought me
That I need to remember

We were once young and blessed with wings
No heights could keeps us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar
Still greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there
These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed was ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains
No feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains
No feeling
Eternity awaits

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains
No feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains
No feeling

Eternity awaits
Current Mood:
discontent discontent
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To the boy that stole my heart....

I have been waiting for you, anticipating you
I shall not lose faith in all that is our love.
And Heaven is such a small place.

Seconds to minutes to hours to days.
Screaming for something that's something I will never hold.
All around me is your beautiful face

Seconds to minutes to hours to days.
Screaming for something that's something I will never hold.
All around me is that beautiful face
Storms across my heart, the battlements, the after show.

Storms across my heart, the battelments... After Fire.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At the end of days, at the end of time.
When the Sun burns out will any of this matter.
Who will be there to remember who we were?
Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us?

And in retrospect I'll say we've done no wrong.
Who are we to judge what is right and what has purpose for us?
With designs upon ourselves to do no wrong,
running wild unaware of what might come of us.

The Sun was born, so it shall die,
so only shadows comfort me.
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me.
Each day shall end as it begins
and though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Without a thought I will see everything eternal,
forget that once we were just dust from heavens far.
As we were forged we shall return, perhaps some day.
I will remember you and wonder who we were.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Current Mood:
content The Fairytale that is my love
Current Music:
VNV Nation- Electronaut
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"lets never leave this exquisite paradise! let us never be apart!!"
god i wish things could have been as simple as that...our days in paradise were of the most extravagent kind... we spent many nights in each others arms, under a fading magenta sky...
~
"shh....maybe they wont find us!" he laughed quietly as i held him close to me beside the fountain.
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Name- Hizumi
Age- 12
Height-41cm (i think)
Hair Color- black currently, soon to be pink
Wig- old beaten up black fur wig by unknown maker
Eyes- Pale Blue Glass(14mm) and Red Manga accrylic (16mm)
MORE LATER
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